No More-Yaoi

The last few days had been hell...

Truly hell...

I can't even look at Till now without being filled with rage.

Richard...

I look at him and just want to scream.

I can't believe I got sucked into all of this. I curse at them both under my breath. My sleepings been fucked with too. Right now I'm in that space between my bed and wall. Not really wanting to be seen. Same place where I told him everything oh so long ago. I refuse to sleep on that mattress, I can still feel him on it. I can taste him still on my tongue. His moans would ring in my ears like gunfire shellshock. I grab my ears and shut my eyes.

"Stop it stop it stop it..." I growl at myself, rocking to and fro.

Woo, lack of sleep is fun...

My now warped brain played memories of the two of us. I wanted to watch, smile even. But instead I shook them loose until they were gone.

----

"I'll explain later if you want..." Till replays in my mind. Not long til I'm back at that fence. Watching the memory pass through tearstained eyes.

"No.....tell me now..." I hear myself speak in a rather sad tone. Wind brushes up against me and he pulls me closer. I push back this time, not going to give into him. Till blinks for a long time then sighs.

"We were working on Reise Reise...somehow....I'm not sure why...I got drunk...I started rambling to Richard that he owed me for not throwing him out of the band..."

"...He didn't want anything to do with you..." I close my eyes.

"You...can imagine the rest...god...I'm so sorry Christoph...-"

"Your apologizing to me?! ME?!" I snap up, almost falling backwards but I keep my balance. "I'M not the one that got fucking raped Till!" Even though I'm taller then him I still feel small in comparison. I calmy wipe the water off my face. Still in a state of slight shock but I dare not show it. "Fuck..." I whisper, upset that he saw me like this. "How the..." I ask again trying not to raise my voice again.

"We put it behind us, didnt take it personally..I was hoping you would do the same but..." He tries to hold my shoulder to calm me down. I block it with a swipe of my arm.

"Don't fucking touch me..." I glare at him and scoff.  "I want no more of this...this fucking mess..." I start to walk pass him, wanting to hide. "No more of Richard...no more of this bullshit..." I'm practically growling as I walk. Behind me I can hear Till sigh, more rocks under his boots, opening the gate and walking out.
----

Now....I'm here...quietly sulking in my room. Probably not the best solution but it's all I can do for now. Leaning against a wall on one arm. That memory finally fading, mind going blank. Maybe NOW I can sleep, so tired. Suddenly I'm thinking of him again. Being so close...I curse and slam my fist into the wall. Not two seconds after so I hear someone knock on the door.

SHIT!

Can't be seen like this, I reach over my bed and snatch one of the pillows. Pretending to sleep and hopefully not be seen...

...Please let this work...

+Richards pov+

I can't stand this anymore, I have to at least talk to him. Get this all settled. No answer to my knocking, I check the handle. Feeling a bit stupid when it moves freely. That quickly goes away as I walk in. His rooms so ...unbelievably sterile. Clean. Like I just walked into a doctors office, kind of creepy. I walk to the middle of the room, damn...empty.

"Christoph..." I look around. Clicking open the balcony door and walking outside. Not here either...I get one last ray of hope, maybe hes just in the bathroom. I trot over. I see something out of the corner of my eye so I stop in mid step. God what a sad sight. I see him sleeping on the floor again, only it doesn't look right. I try to not make any noise and walk over to him. Crouching down, I touch his forehead just to make sure he isn't dead. My heart almost can't take it all. "If only you knew..." I flick his hair out of his face again. "How sorry I am...." I kiss the back of his head and start to walk out. I can hear him shuffling around so I stop, secured by the wall to his bathroom. He must be awake, I can hear him breathe quickly in a hitched voice and he silences himself. Damn I fucked up..I cant bring myself to leave him like this. It hurts too much.

+Christophs POV+

I'm sorry too, I think to myself. But I don't think I can ever really be with you that way again. It just aches....but he's not here and I feel so cold..I can't stand this feeling. I can't stand the fact that my eyes are tearing up again. I'm not a fan of them. I look up when I can't hear his footsteps anymore. Please don't really be gone....I might say I don't want to see him ever again but my hearts saying something completely different. Get him and never let go, never let the fuck go. I scamper to the corner, rather foolishly.

"Rich-" I stop in mid sentence...nothing...hes gone..Just emptyness in front of me. "Fuck..." I speak softly, looking to my right where my bed was. So exhausted....I grab the pillow again and finally fall onto the mattress. I can feel him again, the scent of his cologne and hair gel in the sheets. I found it sickening before, now its calming. I missed it....I miss him.

Shit...what the hell am I going to do now.....